Line by Line

December 17, 2013 | Comment

I Watched My Pregnancy Fade Away

I knew I was pregnant, even days before an early pregnant test would have picked up a positive result. I had become much more in-tune with my body since giving birth to my son 17 months earlier, so I had been noticing various signs. For a week or more, my senses had become more fine-tuned and I noticed a few small changes in my body. My son had changed up his nursing habits and my dog was suddenly acting more clingy, much the same as how he acted during my first pregnancy. Also, the owner of my biggest account at work told me I looked like I was glowing, which was something out of the ordinary for him to say. Any one or two of these things on their own wouldn’t have raised any suspicions, but they were all starting to add up. The kicker was at Thanksgiving dinner, when I took a sip of wine and it tasted like it had somehow gone bad. Everyone else at the table was enjoying it, so I took another sip. It sent a chill through me that gave me goosebumps and it still tasted bad. That one really made me suspicious. I didn’t mention anything to my husband yet, but I knew as soon as I took a test that it would be positive. I would tell him then, and our lives would change for the better, again.

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It starts out depressing, but just wait…

August 2, 2013 | Comment

…The vagina shows up again to liven things up.

Have you ever read about Bipolar Disorder, aka Manic Depressive Disorder? I did a few research papers on the subject in high school and then subsequently in college (because I already had the material – and I’m lazy). I started researching it because my parents would occasionally express concern that they thought I had it.  They were evidently confusing the bipolar symptoms with the symptoms of another serious disorder called being a teenager.

I did become fascinated with the disorder, though. Not so much the depressive part; it sucked. But the manic part was pretty damn intriguing. I would usually read about it on Monday, but I would always wish that it was Sunday, because that’s my fun day.

I wanted to live in the world these people lived in during their manic stage.  This world was magical. There were so many famous actors and comedians who were bipolar, and a lot of their inspiration came from the manic state. It was kind of cool and I almost felt as if I had manic disorder. Not manic depressive disorder, because I am never depressed. I do have a little bit of a temper sometimes, though, which makes me get angry, so maybe I have Manic Occasional Anger Disorder.  We must immediately apply for grants to research this new potential disorder.

I am super messy, too.  Although that’s not a disorder as much as it is just laziness.  I prefer to view it as organized chaos, but I think the rest of the world sees it as utterly disgusting or simply annoying.  If there is one thing that I am strangely clean and OCD about, though, it’s contact cases and lenses.  That may seem weird, but it’s true. I’m a complete psycho about contacts.

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Midwives Aren’t Funny

July 31, 2013 | Comment

Have you ever had that friend who, when you first met him or her, you didn’t quite know what you thought about them? But after a little while you became very close and ultimately grew to have the utmost respect for them? Well, that, my friends, is how my relationship with midwives evolved.

I originally thought that midwives weren’t funny, and the reasoning was two-part.

1.) Midwives are legitimately awesome and not to be laughed at unless they’re being funny, which probably won’t happen because…

2.) Midwives aren’t very funny. Usually. But then again they’re generally working and therefore being professional when I’m around them. But they only occasionally find my jokes funny, which leads me to assume that they’re not funny. Because I am, people. I’m effing hilarious.

So here’s a recap of my first encounter with one. Let me give you some back story first, though.  I have only slept with one man in my life and he has also only slept with one woman. Me, duh. Why would a guy sleep with anyone else when I’m available? We didn’t start having sex until much later in life than most, so the need to get a pap smear was never something I cared about early on. Plus, I went awhile without health insurance then when I got it I was busy working a million hours a week. Plus, I’m immortal so it’s pretty self explanatory that I didn’t need someone sticking cold metal things in my bajango to tell me that I’m awesome. But, evidently, awesomely immortal or not, if you’re going to have a baby you need to do it where someone knows what’s going on with bajangos and being able to help you with the birth process. That’s where the midwives, the birth center they work at, and their humor come into the picture.

I didn’t want to give birth in a hospital because that’s where people go to be sick and stuff. Plus, I hate hospitals; they’re entirely too white. I’m more of a red and charcoal-gray person myself. I’m an overall healthy individual and much more holistic in nature than a hospital usually likes or appreciates. I wanted to go to a birthing center where my desires would be more accommodated. A home birth for my first child seemed a little more frightening, even after seeing Ricki Lake give birth in her bathtub. Wait, maybe more so after seeing a naked Ricki lake give birth in her bathtub. Anyway, I digress…

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